Am I a good person?

In a nutshell… no. I try to be, I don’t intend on going out and being a horrible person, just sometimes I don’t think before I say or I act. This usually results in an argument and tears… the tears are almost always on my behalf.
First off I need to start at the very beginning, and how I came to realise that I am infact a bad person. I started my job when I was eighteen years of age; I lived at the stud in communal quarters with two other girls and an older man. The man was 46 at the time.
After a few disagreements at work, a female colleague and myself went to our boss to put a complaint out against the man (J) that I live with and work with because of the way he spoke to us. He was very abusive with his words. He ended up getting a written warning over it and we were told to stay out of his way.
I soon turned nineteen, and then later on that year small duplexes were built for us girls and a house was renovated for the males. The house hadn’t yet been finished so J moved into the duplex next to me. We had begun talking slightly over the first couple of days we lived next to each other, but even from the day I started working we had never really had a conversation.
Over the next couple of weeks we began talking more and more, and eventually began flirting with one another.
“What are you doing?” J asked me one evening as we sat on the veranda talking. This had become our daily bonding session; we would stay up til 10-11 every night chatting.
“My back’s itchy and I can’t reach it,” I mumbled as I tried to itch the scratch that was just out of reach.
“Let me help” J responded and slid over the next to me, sliding his hand under my clothes and resting his palm on the skin on my back. I held my breath as I felt him rub my upper back gently with his fingers. They felt rough and dry from years of neglect working the land. I thought they felt wonderful.
The next night I was admiring J’s tattoos on his upper arms, really I just wanted to see his muscles; I have a thing with muscly arms. “Show me your tattoo, the one you showed me a couple of months ago when you got it” J said to me eyeing my hip.
I had gotten a tattoo on my hip, just above my pubic hair, a few months before hand and had showed him just to tease him.
I lifted my shirt up to my mid belly and with my other hand pulled my jeans down slightly, just enough to expose my tattoo. “Can I see what it feels like?” he asked, and before I could answer his fingers were running gently across my flesh. I gasped and held my breath, feeling the warmth of his skin on mine.
Without this turning into soft-core porn, I’ll just say nothing happened that night. We continued chatting and laughing. Two weeks later he moved to another house on the property. It took a couple of minutes to walk to see him after work, so most afternoons he would invite me around. We would sit on his veranda and continue our usual nightly chats.
One night we were inside sitting in front of the fire, his roommate and the roommate’s girlfriend were home so we went into his bedroom. After an hour or so in his room watching movies and cuddling he grabbed me by the hand and we snuck outside.
“Let’s go to your place” he whispered as we tip-toed down the hallway.
We held hands as we walked to my house, it was late at night, and because I’m scared of the dark I held onto him as we walked. As we passed the barn, he suddenly pushed me up against the wall and kissed me.
Once again I don’t want this to be porn, so I’ll just say, we made it back to my place and we made love that night for the first time. Our first time, and also my first time.
He left afterwards, and I was left at home thinking about the whole thing. As I stood in the shower, letting the hot water run over my body, I began to feel more and more guilty.
I hadn’t told him, I had let J believe I wasn’t a virgin. I felt something with this man and I believed that if he knew I hadn’t been with anyone before he wouldn’t want to be with me in return.
Even to this day I wish I had told him before anything had happened, but I can’t go back, and now I have to live with that.